Another Chance
by Limited Wisdom
Summary: At 28 Veronica is on the cusp of getting everything if only she can let go of the regrets. The feelings become stronger as Logan calls and she rushes to his aid. On the way she gets lost and finds herself back in time, a junior in high school, with no memory of the past 11 years. Now she has to navigate school with only a strange new instinct and dreams of Lilly to guide her.
1. From Where You Are

Summary: Veronica Mars has everything she ever wanted. Perfect boyfriend, interviewing for perfect job that will guarantee an amazing career, and absolutely no strife in her life. So why the hell does she keep dreaming about an old love?

So when Logan Echolls calls asking for her help after nine years what choice does she have? She drops everything and rushes to his aid. Except something happens along the way and she wakes up 11 years back in time. She is a junior in high school again with no memory of what she has been doing for the past 11 years. Now she must navigate her life once more but this time with the strange dreams of a helpful Lilly and a new instinct that helps her see the true character of people. Will she learn to let down her guard and trust people or will she continue down the same destructive path as in the previous time through high school?

A/N: All right the usual things such as these are not my characters and I am just playing with them because they are so much fun to play with.

* * *

**1. From Where You Are**

So far away from where you are

These miles have torn us worlds apart

And I miss you, yeah, I miss you

So far away from where you are

And standing underneath the stars

And I wish you were here

I miss the years that were erased

I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face

I miss all the little things

I never thought that they'd mean everything to me

Yeah, I miss you and I wish you were here

I feel the beating of your heart

I see the shadows of your face

Just know that wherever you are

Yeah, I miss you and I wish you were here.

Lifehouse. "From Where You Are."

* * *

_"Sugarpuss," the softly spoken endearment felt like a full body caress._

_Goosebumps erupted all across my skin and my heart sped up in anticipation._

_That voice. I knew that voice. It was _his_ voice._

_Smiling at the prospect of seeing his face I turned to look behind me but there was no one there. Where was he? In a panic I started running, searching for what was missing, but no matter how fast I ran I could not seem to find him._

"Veronica. Wake up! You are having a bad dream."

I, Veronica Mars had to blink a few times in order to see the concerned looking face hovering above me. For a moment I experienced the most excruciating wave of disappointment as I realized that the eyes looking down at me were a clear blue and not the guarded brown I had been expecting to see.

_No Veronica, you must not think such things_. I pushed back the feeling and pasted a weak smile on my face.

"Are you all right?" Stosh Piznarski, known as Piz to almost everyone except maybe his mother, returned my smile with a much more genuine one.

"Yeah, yeah. I am awake." I looked at the clock next to the messy bed. 5:37 AM. Why the hell was it so bright? Oh yeah, Piz hated darkness and always turned on every light in the apartment. It was a quirk I could generally tolerate except this early in the morning.

"Well since you are awake you can have breakfast with me." Piz's smile widened at the prospect. There had not been many opportunities for a shared meal in the past year. Between his work for the radio station and my finishing up law school followed by the non-stop studying for the bar exam things had been a little hectic. We had thought that moving in together a couple of months ago would make us have more time together but even that had not worked out.

"I am making bacon and eggs. A girl needs a great breakfast for her big day." Piz's words became muffled as I stumbled into the bathroom and closed the door behind me. The combination of the paper thin walls and the small square footage made it possible to have an almost normal conversation with a person no matter where you were in the apartment. Some might complain about such living quarters but this was New York and one was grateful for anything especially if you could afford a place without roommates.

Grasping both sides of the sink to steady myself I looked at the carnage the previous nights dreams/nightmares had left behind. Living in New York meant I did not have a great tan but now I looked even more pale than usual. The circles under my eyes were getting darker and my face was starting to look a more and more haunted. Turning on the faucet I splashed ice-cold water on my face hoping to wash away the memory of my most recent dream.

"Veronica honey, are you all right?" Piz's tone was concerned again. He was such a sweet guy. Which was why I could not say anything to him about these strange dreams. It was not like Piz could do anything about them and telling him would only hurt his feelings.

"Just give me a few minutes to wake up," I tried to force some cheerfulness into my tone. Hopefully the walls would distort my voice enough that he did not notice the lie. Trouble was that it was almost too easy to lie to Piz. Not that I lied to him with any intent of malice - most of the time I did it simply to protect him. Piz was the sweetest guy I had ever met and he was good through and through. The shadowy bands that had settled around my heart had done so long before I had ever met Piz. Those shadows were mine and I had always been determined to make sure the darkness never tainted Piz. So maybe I had to lie to him a few times, but it was for the best since Piz would never understand. He did not know what it feels like to hit rock bottom with nothing left to lose and if I had anything to do with it he never would. It might have sounded foolish to try to protect him from it all but the purity of his heart made it just a little easier to deal with the darkness that I could see circling us in this world. There were times when I would allow myself to be swept away by his optimism and pretended everything was great and right in this world. I desperately needed to do that today but the feeling was eluding me.

_Oh God. What is going on?_ Ever since I moved in with Piz I have had the most unsettling dreams that had centered around _him _and not Piz like they were supposed to. I could not understand what was going on. Why _him_? and why now? Things were going great for me. Piz had an awesome job that he loved and according to him there were strong rumors about a promotion in the near future. I had scored so high on the bar exam that I already had three different job offers after only a month of sending out my resume. I was holding out for a really kick-ass law firm that had already interviewed me three times and they wanted to see me again. I needed to get it together.

Today was a big day. Huge. I was going in for the fourth round of interviews with a very prestigious New York corporate law firm, Truman-Mann and Associates. If I landed this gig I was set for life and we were talking about a salary that would guarantee that there would never be powdered cheese on the dinner menu. Yeah a girl needed to set the bar real high. I had seen my competition and while they were good but I was better, and that meant this job was practically mine - unless I did something to truly fuck it up. I only had one last interview left with a few of the partners. I needed to focus, to let go of this funk that had twisted itself around my mind, but most of all I needed to stop searching for _him_. It was over. Hell it had been over for nine years now. I had said goodbye - forever. The problem was I had not realized how long forever actually was. I could feel the tears starting to well up in my eyes. This could not work. Piz was not to see me crying because he might demand an explanation. Honestly I did not know if I could lie about it right now.

Shifting to my left I reached to pull on the knob to turn on the shower before taking off my extra large sleep shirt and underwear.

"I feel a little icky, do you mind if I shower first?" The question was almost rhetorical since I knew he would agree. Piz at times was far too accommodating. Hopefully he would attribute the hoarseness of my voice to the early morning and not realize that it was a herald of the upcoming tears.

"I guess I will keep breakfast warm for us then." Piz's words were accompanied by the creaking of the oven door. I did not wait for him to say anything else. It was best to hide the darkness inside of me from him but that did not alleviate the guilt I felt with each lie.

I let out a small yelp as I stepped into the cascading water. The water had not been warm enough but I was desperate to escape and this was the only place I could have any privacy. I raised my head up so that the lukewarm water cascaded down my face and carried away the tears. Had someone asked me what this was all about I could not have been able to come up with an explanation. I had no reason to cry. Life was going great both professionally and personally. I was exactly where I wanted to be — everything was right on track. After years of hard work and determination I was on the cusp of getting everything that I had ever wanted. _Everything you ever wanted. Don't fuck this up, Mars._

Everything I ever wanted was just an interview away. I should have felt happy… elated, and I was happy but there was also a lingering doubt deep inside of me. I felt like something was missing - almost like I had lost something. Occasionally I would admit to myself what this feeling really was … regret… but for the sake of my own sanity I would push it back and deny the truth even to myself. Lying came as naturally to me as breathing and I had gotten so good over the years that I had managed to fool even myself. It was harder to lie to myself in the mornings when the walls around the old memories were weaker I became vulnerable to these doubts. _Get it together Veronica, you had so many chances to make it right and yet you wasted them all. Now you have to live with the consequences. He has moved on and you need to do the same. _

Pressing both hands against my mouth I tried to muffle the sobs. Piz did not need this from me. I needed to build up the walls again before I could face him. Maybe if I called him, just to hear his real voice this feeling would go away. _Stop lying to yourself, you lost him. He will never be yours. He belongs to someone else and the sooner you accept that fact the better._

It took nearly twenty minutes for me to get control of myself. I quickly suppressed the little voice in the back of my head that pointed out it taking longer and longer to build up those walls. Should this not be getting easier as time went on?

* * *

A/N: So what do you guys think? Reviews are appreciated. Thanks for reading.

I just recently found this series but these characters are too fun not to play with. I would like to confess that generally I start a fanfic and then do not finish; usually because as I learn more about the characters I tend to start to see that without changing things drastically about their personalities there is no way to change the decisions they will make. Veronica has a lot of potential to change and grow up and with minimal tweaking her entire story can change. That is what I am looking to see, what happens if she is a little more insightful and learns to trust the right people.

Anyway in order prevent my usual abandoning of fanfics I have spent over a month with the characters and their stories. Because of that I have several chapters ready to go (with a bit of polish). So barring something catastrophic like a computer going kaput chapter 2 will be posted next weekend.

For those who are wondering, no I have not abandoned my other fanfics. I am trying to prevent the characters from making the same mistakes because of their low self esteem and stubbornness. So I have been writing and rewriting the next chapter of their stories several times over.


	2. Happy

2. Happy

Someone once told me that you have to choose

What you win or lose

You can't have everything

Don't you take chances

Might feel the pain

Don't you love in vain

Cause love won't set you free

I can't stand by the side

And watch this life pass me by

So unhappy

But safe as could be.

Holding on tightly

Just can't let it go

Just trying to play my role

Slowly disappear, ohh

But all these days, they fell like they're the same

Just different faces, different names

Get me out of here.

Leona Lewis. "Happy".

* * *

"Feeling better?" Fiz asked as he pulled the hot plates out of the oven and set them down on the table.

I smiled at him as I reached for a mug and the coffee pot. "Much." _Liar._

"I guess you are a little nervous about this last round of interviews today?" He swooped in and gave me a quick peck on the cheek. He was such a sweet guy.

"Yeah, meeting with partners is always nerve-racking. These guys are the best of the best and far more experienced. They also know everything about me." I took a few sips of my coffee while I contemplated my strategy for the interview today. Too bad I no longer broke the law because it would have been nice to read through the personnel files of the firm. That would put us on equal footing and would make me a lot less stressed. Knowledge was power and I needed to know everything. _No, that is wrong Veronica. You do not need to know everything, and most certainly there is no way you need to find information in case you have to blackmail your future employers._ Those days were behind me and I had learned my lesson back then about what happens when you break the rules. Eventually you and those you care about end up paying for your illegal activities. I took the high ground now, and I did the right thing. The problem was that in this world sometimes doing the right thing meant doing the illegal thing, but those days were behind me. These days I was fully legit or I would be if I got my act together and did not bomb out on the interview today.

"If they know everything about you then there is no need to do the interview. They will know they have no choice but to hire you. They will be lucky to have you." Piz's never-ending optimism made me smile.

"I hate to tell you this but you are somewhat biased." The caffeine was starting to kick in and made my mood rise somewhat.

"Pssh. I biased? No way. I am all about the truth and if these jokers don't see you for the sweet, dedicated, and brilliant woman that you are they don't deserve you. Oh crud." Piz had been emphasizing each point with his coffee mug and of course managed to spill some coffee on his pants.

"All right, you need to settle down before you get it in your head to storm the castle and slay all of my dragons." I laughed at his enthusiasm. Piz always saw the best in people and I loved that about him. At times I was jealous of his confidence in the goodness of people because I had learned early on that generally speaking people were out to screw you. Law school had made me even more paranoid, but what do you expect when your degree is all about how to twist the truth for your own purposes?

"Oh I hope the dragons are not too big. You know I am a lover and not a fighter." He gave me a crooked smile as he rubbed the coffee stain on his pants with a paper towel.

"My dragons were slain a long time ago. So I think you have nothing to worry about." My dark knight had helped me take them down. The scars from those old battles still remained but I had learned to hide them so well that very few could see the flaws. Piz was not one of these few and I had done everything in my power to make sure of it. "Here let me do that for you. Remember, you have to blot and not rub."

The conversation switched to more practical matter as we dug into our food. "I think we need to go out tonight. To celebrate your new job." Piz's told me in between bites of eggs.

"And I think we need to wait until I actually get the job offer before we pop open the champaign." Some days I thought he was more excited about this potential job than I was.

"Meh you are such a downer." His face transformed into a fake frown for a few seconds before his large smile came back. "Nope, I will not listen to you. I am making reservations at Pedro's for tonight. Does seven sound good for you?"

Pedro's was a semi-posh Mexican food place that Piz absolutely loved. He thought it was the best Mexican food he had ever eaten. You would think his four years of college in California had taught him what real Mexican food tasted like but apparently not. I was not going to say anything to burst his happy bubble.

It was where he had taken me on our first date last year and I did not have the heart to tell him the food was not that great. "Seven sounds great, Marisa and I are having a late lunch after my interviews so a late dinner would work. Schultz and Sons' offices are really close to where I will be interviewing so she promised to sneak out for a quick lunch."

"Woah hold the press, we are going to have two meals together? in one day?" He gave his off kilter smile before pressing his lips briefly to mine.

"Don't count on it much longer if I get this new job it will mean a great many late nights." Probably longer nights than law school, or so I had been told. The late nights never bothered me much, and this was a good thing since in high school I worked for my private investigator father. That job had required a lot of late nights sitting in my car waiting to get the money shot.

"Speaking of late, I hope traffic is not too bad because I should have left fifteen minutes ago." He looks at his watch as he rushes to brush his teeth.

After dedicating a few hours of my morning to putting on my outfit I look like a powerful lawyer. Looking at the full length mirror I twisted and turned around to make sure there was nothing out of place. "You can do this Mars," I gave myself a pep talk. "You locked swords with far more fierce enemies. The inept sheriff, the rich and powerful movie stars, and even the FBI. A pack of lawyers should be… not a cakewalk."

My phone started playing piano man and I could not help but smile. I don't know how but somehow my father had managed to change his ringtone on my phone to the Billy Joel song. "Hi dad."

"Hi Veronica, how is my favorite girl? Are you ready for your interviews?"

"Interviews? What interviews?" I smile at his voice. "Dad you must be slipping in your interrogation techniques. Don't you know you are supposed to get the perp to answer the question before you ask the next one?"

"Perp? How dare you talk about my daughter that way? Do you not know she is a hotshot New York lawyer?"

"I am as ready as I will ever be." I replied with far more confidence than I felt.

We continue to chat for a few more minutes about nothing in particular before he finally says his goodbyes. "Bye Veronica, say hello to that nice boy Piz for me."

I smile. Piz is pretty much the only boyfriend my father heartily approved of. I don't think he even threatened Piz when he came out to see me graduate from law school a few months ago. My father was getting soft - maybe I should worry.

I gather up my briefcase filled with a few extra copies of my resume just in case they need it again and head out the door. I didn't have to be there for another two hours but this is New York so anything can happen to delay you. A fifteen minute cab ride can easily turn into an hour, and at this point I would rather not have to explain to my potential employers that I got stuck in traffic and could not make it on time. Closing the door behind me I make sure to lock all three bolts - I listened to the sound of the bolt sliding into place. One of the neighbors had a break-in a couple of weeks ago so I installed another lock. You would think a guy who has had all of his worldly possessions stolen in one fell swoop would have understood the need for more locks, but instead Piz had laughed at my paranoia.

Walking to the elevator I noticed the 'out of order' sign taped haphazardly across the doors. "Good thing I gave myself extra time."

I looked down at my two inch stiletto heels with a sigh. They were definitely not made for going down four flights of stairs but at least I did not have to do it quickly. You would think with the amount of money that was paid in rent this place could have afforded to repair the elevator. Hell with the amount of money they took in rent they could have just bought a whole new elevator several times over.

My shoes make a clicking sound on the threadbare carpet as I headed for the stairs. As I passed the neighbor three doors down I could hear the argument coming from inside. "Look, why can't you just help a little with rent? I know you have the money, Earl said you just got paid, so where'd you put it?" The woman sounded tired enough that it made me think this was not the first time she had asked the question.

"Why should I give it to you? It's my money." The man's words sounded slurred. Drunk at 9am on a Wednesday? It did not take an FBI agent to figure out where the money went. "And you're not getting any of it. Good luck finding it bitch."

The door I had just past slammed open and a disheveled looking man stumbled out nearly slamming into the wall on the other side of the narrow hallway in his haste to get away. I quickly stepped aside to get out of his way. A harried looking woman quickly followed, "what about the kids? You want them not to have a roof over their head?"

My mind immediately started coming up with likely ways to find the money he was hiding. I could follow him to whatever bar he was going to and find out if he had one of his buddies hold his money for him. I could also simply find a way to intercept the check before he could cash it. Then there was this Earl….

"What are you looking at?" The woman asked harshly. "You want to see a show go down to Broadway."

I opened my mouth to make a suggestion but quickly closed it. Using all of my willpower I forced myself to turn away from the woman and keep walking. My days of rescuing the needy were done. There were organizations out there that had the resources to get her the money legally. This woman did not need me and I was not going to get sucked into this life again.

_Just remember Mars this is none of your business._ The sound of a door closing and the bolts sliding home followed me as I headed for the stairs. That life was behind me and it was over. I needed to think of the future now.

I tried to swallow around the tight knot of regret that had formed in my throat. _You are not super girl, it's not your job to save the world. _

* * *

A/N:

Well what do you guys think? Thanks for all the reviews. I really love them.

I got a few questions about this being a Peggy Sue Got Married story. In a way it is about going back and seeing things with a new set of eyes. It will come out later why all this happened, but honestly it is just and excuse to see what would happen if Veronica was a little less likely to jump to conclusions and not so afraid of her own emotions.

The next chapter is almost finished so I should have it up by the next Friday/Saturday. And I am working on my other fanfic, this has just been a really busy week.


	3. Self Machine

3. Self Machine

I saw the mirror starin' back at me

And it told me I'm a self machine

It said I gave you these scars

And I gave you these wounds

I told you the false

And I showed you the truth

I saw the mirror staring back at me

And it told me I'm a self machine.

Loney robot in a wasteland

Rusting in a lonely harbor

Lonely robot in a wasteland

Rusting in the harbor's water.

I Blame Coco. "Self Machine".

The reception area of the law firm was exactly what one would expect: large windows showing off the magnificent view of Manhattan, wood floors polished to a mirror like shine, very modern but uncomfortable looking leather and metal chairs, flowers arrangements that cost more than an entire month of my rent, and finally the artwork that somehow managed to look original but generic at the same time. There was a photograph just across from where I was sitting that was seriously bugging me. The photographer had not set up the shot right and there was a large section that was completely out of focus - perhaps it was meant to be that way but I did not think so. It was bothering me so much I could not concentrate on the task ahead.

Anyone looking at me would think I was calm and cool as a spring breeze but I had learned long ago how to hide my emotions. There was a great many skills I picked up the year after Lilly's murder. At the time these skills had been essential to my surviving high school and now they helped me look composed. No one that looked at me would be able to tell I was ready to jump out of my seat in anticipation.

I took a deep breath and pictured being in my living room wearing my favorite pair of pajamas with my hooded sweathshirt. Suddenly I was back on dad's couch in the old apartment. I could practically see the teethmarks where Backup had chewed on the right leg. A lot had happened on that couch. How many times had I cried myself to sleep there? But in the worst of times I was never alone. No matter how much I fucked up someone was always there for me. My dad, Wallace, Mac, and even _he_ all took turns consoling me on that couch. I could feel my walls weakening again, and I had to put a stop to it. I was not going to think about those days when I nearly got myself killed at least once a week. I most certainly not going to take a trip down memory lane and go back over all the ways I had fucked over a boy I loved. All those allegations and in the end he apologized to me for his bad behavior. He had apologized to me after the way I had treated him. I should have been the one begging for forgiveness but I figured it out too late and now that part of my life was over. Too many mistakes were made and we could not go back.

Frustrated at the thoughts rolling through my head I pulled out a mirror out of my purse to check my lipstick. The pale pink was not something I normally wore but conservative was the way go go around here. My hair was pulled back into a severe bun at the back of my head and I had given up my usual dark nail polish for a light pink one that matched my lipstick. I cleaned up well when I wanted to and I could play the role of conservative potential lawyer well. But I could not help the feeling that this was just another role and it was not truly who I was. I looked like the girl I should have been if the fates had not decided to screw me over. I sometimes wondered what it would have been like if Duncan had not suddenly stopped speaking to me, if Lilly had not been brutally murdered, if I had not been drugged and raped at that party, if my mother had been strong enough to beat her alcoholism and stuck by us, if I had listened to the advice of the people who loved me and took a few less risks, and most importably I wondered what would have happened had I pushed and prodded _him_ until finally he gave up on me. _Stop Veronica and concentrate, this is your life now. It does no good to think of what might have been. You chose to walk away from that life and that is why you are here._

I mentally slapped myself. Well clearly my usual meditation technique was not going to calm me so I did what really helped soothe my nerves. I snooped. I was not going to do anything illegal but it would not be a bad plan to scope out the competition. First of all I had to figure out who was actually interviewing with me. It was not that hard since all I had to do was to look for the other young conservatively dressed individuals. I don't know why when interviewing with a law firm you are supposed to dress like you are about to attend a funeral. The uniform was the same for the men: black or charcoal grey suit with a white shirt and a blue tie. If you were wanting to take a walk on the wild side the men would wear a blue shirt. For the women it was essentially the same except we had to wear a skirt. Hilary might have done a great many things for the pantsuit but she still could not make it appropriate for an interview. The was a deep seated chauvinism that was especially bad in the older male judges to the point where some required women lawyers to wear skirts in their courtrooms. The old Veronica might have pushed against such dictates but I had learned the hard way that doing so gained me nothing and only ended up hurting people.

There were four others that wore the interviewing uniform. I zeroed in on the one sitting across and a few seats over from me. A caucasian male in his late 20s with dark hair. He had recently had a haircut and had seen some sun before that - there was a small line of lighter skin around his hairline indicating how long the hair had been before. To an amateur he would look like he did not have a care in the world but I could see his fingers drumming out a nervous beat onto the arm of the chair he currently occupied. He must have felt my scrutiny because dark eyes looked into mine. Sensing that I was a rival he gave me a little glare but I merely smirked at his fingers that gave away his heightened stress level. His fingers stopped moving as he sent me another glare. I nearly laughed as I noticed his foot had begun to tap. Where had they found this guy? It was almost too easy to fluster this guy, and how had he survived law school?

I moved on to my next victim….er…potential competitor, and this one was a woman. Hey I was all about equal opportunities so I was not about to just pick on the guys. This next one was a little tougher cookie than the last one but I soon picked up on her weakness. If it was not for the perfect hair I would not have notice. Ok…so the size of the diamonds in her ears would have given her away as well. This girl came from a great deal of money, and I would have been willing to bet the entire content of my tiny savings account that her daddy's money had something to do with her being picked for another round of interviews. She was one well groomed little lawyer, and that sort of thing took lots of money but more importantly it took time. Someone who spent that much at the salon would not be able to dedicate that much time to studying. The partners would tear her apart in minutes. There was only so far that nepotism would carry you and at this level the company was looking for sharks and not a pretty little ornamental goldfish that knew how to use her father's platinum card. She would fit in well with the Neptune crowd so maybe I should suggest she try getting a job around there. I would put in a good word on her behalf but unfortunately the Mars name still did not carry much weight in town. If I badmouthed her to the good people of Neptune she might actually stand a chance.

"Ms Mars," one of the tightlipped assistants at the giant desk called my name quietly.

I looked up and pasted a false smile on my face. "Yes?"

"We are ready to see you now," she stood up and I followed her to the giant doors that led to what I assumed to be the conference room or interrogation room depending on the firm's needs.

The assistant pushed the doors open before announcing me. "Ms Veronica Mars."

I walked through the door but I took my time so as not to appear too eager or nervous. The three people in the room were seated at one end of the giant conference table with identical thick files opened in front of them. All three were leisurely flipping through the file pausing only occasionally when something interested them. I knew better than to sit down without being invited so instead I stood there holding my head up, shoulders straight back, and my best poker face. The three currently perusing through what was probably a very thorough description of my misdeeds were exactly what I expected. Well dressed in obviously designer suits and past their prime. It looks like I was going to meet with three of the firms partners. Well at least I did not have worry about this firm not being politically correct. I was going to be interrogated by a woman, a black man, and of course the obligatory overweight elderly white male. The white male was the eldest of the three and clearly in charge as he was sitting at the head of the table. Years of stress had taken a toll on him as was evident in the deep lines that bracketed his eyes and mouth. There was an extra deep groove in between his eyes that made me think this guy did not waste too much of his time smiling.

_All right sarcasm you need to go away for the next hour. You are not wanted or needed here. _

The black male was the youngest of three and was concentrating with all his might on the file in front of him. I would have to be careful with him because he still had something to prove, and nothing helped advance your career more than looking good in front of the senior partners by pulling some deep secret flaw out of a potential hire.

It was the woman who finally acknowledged my presence after what felt like an hour but was probably less than five minutes - without even looking up at me she lifted her right hand and pointed to the spot on the opposite side of the table. Damn, this far away I would not be able to see what they had on me.

"Ms. Carrie Fuller, Mr. Robert Thompson, and I am Albert Hall." The oldest one finally introduced everyone and it looks like I don't even rate a handshake. _Yeah I know where I stand with this group_.

"Mr. Albert Hall, Ms. Carrie Fuller, and Mr. Robert Thompson." I nod at each of them as I say their names. "Thank you for having me here." Always good to be polite.

"You have a very interesting past Ms. Mars," Ms. Fuller stated without preamble. "You were issued a private investigator license at eighteen. Would you care to comment what that says about you?"

Generally speaking I preferred a little foreplay before being bent over but from the looks of things we were going to dive right into the middle of it. All right it was time to make my worst faults sound like good things.

"At the time I was working for my father's business, Mars Investigations, and he needed help around the office." Yeah a little help with the paperwork, and then some help with the investigations. Followed by picking up my own cases. I was not going to go into elaborate explanations regarding what else I did. "I started with filing and paperwork but quickly moved up into helping with investigations. It shows determination and willingness to help out." Blah, blah, blah. I am so great. Blah, blah.

"What is this about your involvement in finding a rapist?" Thompson asked even before I could take a breath to prepare myself for the next question.

For a minute I had to pause and think about which rapist he was talking about. I had my hand in the capture of a couple of them, but then I remembered that Mercer was the only one where my name appeared on the official file. Had they asked about Beaver it would have been questions about a terrorist.

"A friend of mine had been drugged and raped by the two men." Technically Parker was never really a friend but that was beside the point. "A group of us were taking the initiative and drug testing drinks for people at a party when I was separated from my group and attacked. I was in the wrong place and nearly became another victim." This was definitely the clean version of the story.

"How did you get away?" Ms Fuller suddenly sat forward suddenly interested.

"I was lucky, I had a rape whistle and I used it. Someone heard it and raised the alarm." I kept my tone neutral. There was no way I would tell them the entire story.

"Searching for a rapist? Does that not sound like risky behavior?" Mr. Hall spoke up with disapproval evident in his tone.

"Finding a cheap and easy way to test for date rape drugs and organizing a group of friends to test drinks at a party shows initiative and willingness to serve the community." My smile was a little toothy but he could just fuck off.

"Indeed," he did not looked too pleased with my answer but it seemed to satisfy Ms Fuller because she moved onto the next set of questions. The interview continued in the same pattern as they would bring up some incident in my past and I would twist it into a virtue. It went on and on before they finally started speaking about what they saw as my potential place at the firm.

"We are looking for someone with initiative. A person who understands that our clients are our family and we like to protect our family. We believe you would be a good fit in helping deal with unseemly matters that do not need to be known to all." Ms Fuller spoke with a delicate tone but I understood what she meant.

They were seriously considering me as a candidate. It seems that my less than perfect past had made me a better candidate. "Sounds like a very challenging but interesting position." I tried to keep my smile sedate but it was hard to do. It sounded like they were really interested.

They did not keep me much longer, but I noticed they shook my hand before I left. Again a good sign. "We will be in touch," Ms Fuller told me as I left the room.

Having texted Marisa about meeting her for lunch in thirty minutes I did a little happy dance in the elevator as I took it down to the ground floor. High powered law firm here I come. That small voice in the back of my mind, the one that was telling me that this was not the perfect job, was pushed down. It was wrong and I was not selling my soul. Bending the rules of the law to help the little guy was not my calling.

* * *

A/N: Thanks again for reading. I picked the song at the beginning simply because despite the fact that it makes me feel old, the singer is Sting's daughter, I still love it.

This chapter might be a little short but soon they will be getting longer. Soon we will be bringing more of it into this, sorry if it a bit of a slow start for some of you. Again thanks for the reviews, I like feedback. See you next week. (PS yes I am working on my other fanfics, I have picked them up again but it takes me a bit of time to get out of the snarky personality and into a sweeter one required.)


	4. The Weakness in Me

4. The Weakness in Me

I'm not the sort of person who falls

In and quickly out of love

But to you I gave my affection

Right from the start.

I have a lover

Who loves me

How could I break such a heart

Yet still you get my attention.

Why do you come here

When you know I've got troubles enough

Why do you call me

When you know I can't answer the phone.

Make me lie

When I don't want to

And make someone else

Some kind of a unknowing fool.

You make me stay

When I should not

Are you so strong

Or is all the weakness in me.

Why do you come here

And pretend to be just passing by

But I mean to see you

And I mean to hold you tightly

Feeling guilty worried

Waking form tormented sleep

This old love has me bound

But the new love cuts deep

If I choose now

I'll lose out

One of you has to fall.

Joan Armatrading, "The Weakness In Me".

* * *

I called Piz as soon as I stepped out of the building that housed my potential future employer. "Who is awesome?" I asked instead of the usual greeting.

"You are awesome?" Piz replied with a laugh. Clearly he had picked up on my jubilant mood even over the phone. "Hold that thought for just a sec." There was a rubbing sound almost like he was covering the phone with his hand but I could hear still him talking to someone else in the background. Maybe I should tell him about this nifty thing called the hold button.

Normally I tried not to disturb him too much at work but he had made me promise to call him as soon as I was done with the interview. The last few months had been an especially busy time for him since he had been spending far more time on the air so that meant I talked to him less and less.

The bistro where I was meeting Marisa was walking distance, but given my shoes I decided not to take any chances so I waved down a cab while waiting for Piz to get back to me. It had taken me a few months to learn how to flag down a cab in New York but I finally got the hang of it. The trick is about your attitude - you have to look tough or they will pass you by. I don't know why it worked because honestly if I had to drive a taxi cab my passengers would be ones who looked like the meekest individuals. Of course some of the mildest looking people turn out to be psychopathic murdering rapists, but I was not going to let thoughts of that person intrude on this day.

"Where to?" the cab driver grunted as I entered the cab. That was another trick you had to learn in this city - how to quickly enter and exit a cab with all of your stuff. I demonstrated my skills by gracefully balancing a purse and a briefcase while holding a phone up to my ear. I had some mad skills.

"Deja Vu Bistro on…" I tried to remember the closest intersection.

"I know were it is lady." He pulled away from the curb even without checking his mirrors. That was one thing I would never get used to no matter how long I lived in this city - the casual way in which the cabbies just pulled out into traffic without a thought to who else might be trying to use that lane. Some of the longer term residents of this place would hold whole conversations with cabbies while the cab weaved in and out of traffic but I was always too scared to distract them from the road - not that they seemed to pay attention to where they were going even if you were not talking to them.

"All right, tell me everything." Piz's words interrupted my attempts to calculate the odds of me dying in a New York taxi cab due to driver error.

"The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and if I close my eyes and I can pretend it is almost warm today." I could not help but smile at how well things were going.

"Wow you certainly have a great imagination, or have you started happy hour without me?"

"Yeah something like that." I replied with a little frown. Over the years I had made the conscious choice that I was not going to turn out like my mother. Since alcoholism was a hereditary trait I always made sure not to consume more than two drinks in a twenty four hour period and I most certainly never drank before five in the afternoon. You would think that after a year of dinners Piz would have picked up on this, but maybe it was my fault since I had never told Piz about my alcoholic mother. All he knew about her was that she was not a topic I was willing to discuss. I especially did not want to talk about her once Piz started talking about his mom. He was nearly thirty years old and she still sent him care packages with homemade granola and other tasty things - yeah there was no way I would talk about my alcoholic mother who had picked the bottle over her family over and over again. I cleared my throat before continuing, "I am headed to lunch with Marisa before going back home. Do you need me to pick something up at the store?"

"No, I don't think so. Look Veronica I have to get back to work." He sounded slightly distracted. "I will try to call you later."

"Or I will see you tonight." This was the reason I rarely called him at work. He was usually so busy that I would not get to talk to him for more than a minute and even then he only gave me half his attention. Good thing I was not one of those clingy girlfriends or I might have gotten my feelings hurt.

"Love you, bye." His quick farewells made me suspect that there was something going on at work. Usually it was something truly major that would distract him that much. Maybe I should check the online new sites to see if there was a disaster somewhere.

It was when I stepped out of the cab half a block from Deja Vu that I noticed the tabloids. All across the various magazines was a picture of Carrie Bishop. She was known as Bonnie DeVille to the world but to me she would always be Carrie. _Bonnie Deville found dead?_ For a moment I could not breathe with surprise. We were never really friends but I knew her. How could she be dead? My next thought was of Logan. I may not have spoken to him in nine years but that did not mean I ignored all information about him. I knew he had been dating Carrie for the past couple of years. How much would it devastate him to lose another woman he cared about? He had suffered too many loses over the years. First there had been Lilly followed by his mother and now Carrie. I had held him after we figured out his mother had died so I had seen what was under that sarcastic mask he projected to the world. I knew that deep down he was a vulnerable young man who wanted nothing more than to love someone. Who would comfort him now? Who would be there to make sure he did not try to drown his sorrows in a tub of alcohol and then pick a fight with the meanest looking thug he could find? Maybe I could call my father to go check in on him.

The sound of my name brought me out of the massive panic attack I was spiraling towards. I had to remind myself that Logan was an adult now and he had managed just fine without me for the past nine years. _You gave up the right to check up on him about him years ago._

"Veronica? Oh let me look at the new hotshot lawyer." Turning towards my name I noticed Marisa walking towards me. The heavy box she was carrying had not hindered her usual bouncing stride.

"If I were a true hotshot lawyer would I be having lunch with a mere mortal like you?" My voice came out sounding rough. There was a knot in my throat that made it nearly impossible to speak._ All right Mars time for your poke face._ Everyone was always amazed at how well I could hide my emotions but few knew the harsh way I had learned this useful skill. The ironic part was that Logan had played a major role in teaching me to hide my feeling and now I was using that skill in order to push down all thoughts of Logan's pain. It was taking more effort than usual but it always did when Logan was involved. The only way I finally succeeded was by promising myself that as soon as I could get away from Marisa I would be calling Mac and Wallace to see if they knew anything.

Instead of the problems in Neptune I focused on Marisa, one of the sweetest girls you could have ever meet. It always amazed me that she became a lawyer.

"I don't have the job yet but the partners did shake my hand," I returned her smile with one of my own. Mine might have been a little less genuine than hers but she did not seem to pick up on this fact.

"Ooh the all important handshake," she laughed as we walked up to the podium with the hostess. "I hope you don't mind this place. It is really close to my work and I don't have much time."

"This is great," I say looking around the small bistro. "It is better than mac and cheese."

"Oh those were the good old days," Marisa made a face as at me over her shoulder as I reminded her of all the cheap dinners we had shared over the past couple of years. There were days it got so bad that we could only afford the off-brand mac and cheese.

Marisa asked for a table for three. "Three?" I touch her arm as we follow the hostess.

"Oh yeah I forgot to tell you, Mercy is joining us." She quickly removed her outer coat and draped it on the back of her chair. The box she had been carrying was set on the fourth chair around the table. "She had to finish up a deposition but was going to join us in like five minutes."

Mercy was also a former classmate that now worked for the same firm as Marisa. We had not been friends during school but now I was seeing more of her since she and Marisa seemed to be getting friendly. She was a great deal more worldly than Marisa and I could not figure out why the two of them got along. I should not be one to judge because I was the ultimate cynic and yet I still liked being friends with Marisa. I think the appeal was the same as with Piz in that they both had such happy personalities that you just wanted to be around them hoping that some of that joy would one day rub off on you.

I was not going to complain about the extra addition to our lunch so long as I got to hang out with Marisa. One thing had not changed over the years and I was still wary about making new friends. Marisa was one of those rare girls you did not have to watch your back around because she would never even consider screwing you over. We had become close during law school, or as close as I allowed anyone these days, and I was trying to keep the friendship going. I loved how nice and normal she was . A girl from a small place in the midwest who had fought to make it in the big city. Her grades were not as good as mine in law school but she had still managed to get a decent job at a smaller firm that specialized in environmental law. Of course it surprised no one that she chose environmental law because it was a job you could feel good about._ Yeah it was not like the job you wanted, the one which three showers a day would not wash away the nasty feelings of screwing people over on behalf of a corporation_. Where the hell were these thoughts coming from? I wanted this job. It would be tough and challenging and I would not longer be the little guy that everyone looked down on. I would stop being the poor little ex-sheriff's daughter with an alcoholic mother who abandoned us and become a hotshot lawyer. I would fully leave Neptune, California behind and never go back to that awful place. No I would not think of that place because I was going to be too busy thinking of the future.

"Speaking of jobs, how is yours going?" Her firm might not be as prestigious as the one I had just interviewed with but it was the perfect fit for Marisa. She might not make the big money but she was determined to make a difference. At her firm she had an opportunity to make the world a little bit of a better place. She might not end up saving the entire world but no one could possibly do that - but if they made it a little better for one person at a time that would be a life worth living. _Why was I feeling so philosophical today?_

"Oh you know being the newbie I get to slog through the very glamorous pile of old contracts and try to find a way to make some scummy corporation pay to clean up what they dumped in the river two decades ago." She blew out a frustrated breath but still managed to smile at the waitress who brought us water and the menus. "Just water for me thanks."

"Water is great," I told the waitress before looking back at Marisa. "How is Thomas?"

Suddenly her sunny mood disappeared and a frown marred her face. She looked away from me and shook her head a little. "Thomas is fine," she said softly. I could see her visibly working to force another smile on her face. "Tell me about the interview?"

For a moment the old Veronica rose up along inside of me but I quickly pushed the curiosity aside before its vicious grip could grab me. Marisa would tell me in her own time and nothing would come of pushing for the truth. This was a lesson I had learned long ago, so I allowed her to change the subject away from her fiancé. Sounded like they had a fight. I looked down and noticed she was not wearing her engagement ring so that meant this was a big fight. _Let it be Mars, she will tell you when she wants to._

"So I don't know who they used to dig up the old dirt on me but I hope the investigator was payed well because he did an awesome job." Humor was always my best technique for dealing with tense situations so why stop now?

"Oh like you have skeletons in your closet." She laughed a little but I could tell she was not really into it.

"Well maybe I was very naughty in a past life." Not really naughty more like curious and obsessed with knowing the truth no matter what the cost. The hardest part of it had been the realization that most of the time I was not the only one who paid the price for my need to uncover every secret. I hurt everyone who cared about me, and I had cost my dad his re-election. Instead of my awesome father for sheriff the city of Neptune had gotten that sleazy PI Vince. That consequence was one that had finally made me wake up and change my ways - no more snooping.

"Yeah and maybe I was crowned Miss Apple Pie during my senior year of high school." She was trying for sarcasm but she really did not have it in her today. It must have been a bigger fight than usual.

"Miss Apple Pie? Is that even a title you want?" I continued the joke hoping that she would ease up enough that she would share her troubles.

"Oh yeah you get a giant tiara to go with your big puffed up red dress. Plus you get to ride with the mayor in his vintage convertible during the Fourth of July and the Thanksgiving parade."

"Sounds like a position that is greatly coveted." I told her quietly noticing that she was still not back to her perky self and the more glaring clue to her emotional state was the fact that she was not making eye contact. Clearly something was truly wrong.

I gave her a few minutes of silence to collect herself but when her frown seemed to get worse I finally broke down.

"What is going on?" Concern filled my voice as I looked at my normally happy friend. This was not snooping because this was a friend wanting to know how I could help. It was not like I was going to bug her phone and download all of her emails to see what she had been saying. If Marisa volunteers the information then I am not overstepping any boundaries.

"Thomas and I broke up," her voice was really soft and I was barely able to hear her over the restaurant noise.

"What do you mean you broke up?" An uneasy feeling was settling in my stomach. Thomas and Marisa had somehow managed to make it through law school with their relationship intact. This was a miracle when you took into account all the pressure and stress that comes with law school. They had a few rough times throughout the years but we always knew they would make it.

"He cheated on her one of the times they were taking a break form one another and now she won't speak to him." Mercy's matter of fact tone interrupted whatever Marisa was about to say.

"Why do you make it sound like I am the bad guy here?" Marisa hissed at Mercy. She sounded angry but I could see the tears starting to form in her eyes. At least she was no longer staring at the floor. Maybe the almost anger was a good sign.

"You were taking a break from each other so he was not cheating." Mercy explained slowly and deliberately. Her tone made me suspect this was not the first time she had made this argument.

"We were taking a break and not necessarily broken up at the time. So he goes off and sleeps with some girl? How is that not wrong?" Marisa's was not even pretending to be happy now. I had never seen her like this before because Marisa always could find the silver lining. "The worst part of it all was he denied it at first when I asked about it."

"Maybe because he thought you were going to overreact and gee I don't know break things off with him," Mercy was laying on the sarcasm rather thick.

"There is nothing wrong with wanting to know the truth," Marisa crossed her arms across her chest. "This topic is closed so let's just order lunch." She quickly waved to a passing waitress to get her attention.

Today was supposed to be a good day. Piz had made me breakfast, my interview had gone great, and even the sun was shining but it seemed that fate was determined to mess this up for me. First there was the dream with Logan's voice followed the by news of his girlfriend's death and now it looked like I was going to be taking a major trip down memory lane. All of those memories I had been determined to keep down came rushing back up. I could empathize with Marisa's plight since I had been in the exact same position. The man that I loved had lied to me and kept things from me. Secrets don't stay secret for very long around me so of course I had found out about the other girls. Watching Marisa was like seeing myself in the mirror ten years ago. She was determined to be the wronged party and she was not going to listen to anyone who disagreed with her. I closed my eyes hoping that not seeing her face would allow me to pull myself back into the present but my mind was not going to obey.

The memories that were swirling around my mind were not of happy times. I was bombarded with the images of Logan's face when I accused him of some trumped up relationship crime. The worst part is that I had not just done it to him once and learned my lesson, and instead I had called him out on stupid crap over and over again. Now I burned with shame as I thought of how I had treated him. All he had wanted to do was love me and instead of accepting the love of such an amazing man I panicked. I had accused him of being immature but the term would have been better applied to myself. I was the one who had pushed and pushed, I was the one who hurt him deeply, and then I was the one who judged him when he coped poorly with my rejection.

"Look he has apologized and even sent you flowers." Mercy's voice brought me back to the present.

"Right like flowers will make this right?" Marisa's tone was petulant. Honestly she was starting to sound like a whiny child. Was this what I had sounded like back then?

"You need to get over yourself and give him another chance." Mercy was clearly gearing up for another round and I suddenly wondered what it would have been like if I had a friend like Mercy who was willing to call me out on my bullshit. My friends and even my father had been a little too committed to supporting me. What would have happened if I had a friend like Mercy to tell me to stop acting like a child?

"He has run out of chances and I have decided it has come time to move on and I want him out of my life forever." Marisa made a sweeping hand gesture like all it took was a wave of her hand to dismiss Thomas.

Something in me snapped at her flippant statement and I could not hold it in anymore. "Forever is a really long time Marisa. You need to give it a little more consideration before you commit yourself to that." I was glad that my voice did not give away my emotions.

"What you too? Are you taking his side as well?" She breath came out as huff and she flipped her hair back. "Some friend you are. Why can't you just do as I wish and forget about it?"

Mercy opened her mouth to reply but I shook my head at her. It was my time to make Marisa consider what she was giving up. "I would suggest that you be careful what you wish for. You are done with him forever? You say you are the wronged party but how long will that last? How long before the doubts come creeping in?"

"I assure you I have no doubts, and anyway it does not matter I have moved on." There was a finality to her words that scared me.

"It might take a few days, or even a few years but one day you will have doubts. Trust me on this one, I know all about doubts." My words came out a little fervently and I had to pause and take a deep breath to control myself. "Ten years from now you will have reinvented yourself and maybe you will have found Mr. Perfect. You will tell yourself that everything is great and it if you are lucky everything will be perfect."

"See things will work out." Marisa said with a fake smile.

I was not done yet. "Then one day you will be walking down the street and you will hear a song, see something out of the corner of your eye, or even smell a man's cologne and that is when you will be hit with the memories of Thomas. For a few minutes or sometimes even hours all the memories of the good times will come flooding back. This is when you will feel it, the bitter pill of regret, and you will start wondering what if. What if you had been a little less judgmental? What if you had stayed and given him a few minutes to speak? What if you had actually stopped to listen to what he said instead of immediately jumping to your own conclusions? What if you had not been judge, jury, and executioner in less than five minutes? This will not happen in a regular pattern since that would make it easy to prepare yourself. Instead it will happen so randomly that every time the pain is fresh and new almost like you have never dealt with it before. The what ifs will keep coming at you until you can force them back down and you can get back to your happy life with Mr Perfect. Is five minutes of your time not worth preventing a lifetime of being hit with the what ifs?"

Mercy gave me a funny look before she turned to address Marisa. "You have been dating him for three years now, what is five minutes compared to that time?"

"I will find someone else, this is New York it is not like there are not other guys here." Marisa she rolled her eyes at us.

She was being stubborn and I was getting angry. How could she not understand? I needed to make her understand what it was she was getting herself into. "Yes this is a big place and yes there are plenty of guys out there. You will find Mr Perfect and he will be everything you always wanted. Then one morning you will have a strange dream and roll over in bed to tell Thomas about it only to realize that another man is next to you. You will rush out of bed after giving some weak excuse for you abrupt change of mood and you will lock yourself in the bathroom while try to push down the regrets at giving up on your love. You will have pushed him completely out of your life because that is the only way you can survive but then you will lap up any scrap of information you hear even if it is just rumors. You will speculate about what he is doing and then feel the bitter sting of jealousy as you hear he has moved on. You will worry that she is not treating him right and at the same time get eaten up by the thought that she is doing for him what you never did."

"Wow do you actually really believe that psychology mumbo jumbo? Live with regret? I dated Thomas for three years, he cheated, and I do not put up with that. So I am done. That is my final answer. No amount of talking will get me to change my mind." Marisa asked with a pitying noise. Her attack was a defense against the emotions my words had brought forth and I knew this so I would not let her get to me. "Now I am starving so can we order already?"

I took a deep breath and composed myself. Shutting down any and all emotions. She was not ready to listen and maybe she would never be but at least I had tried.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Mercy asked softly as the waitress took Marisa's order.

I shook my head in a firm negative. There was no way I could talk about Logan today those emotions were too raw right now.

Marisa became determined to talk about something other than her failed relationship. She went through several topics before settling on trying to make plans for the weekend. "Let's go out, just us girls. There is this club I heard about called Inferno."

"And it's supposed to be hot?" Mercy asked with doubt filling her voice.

"I can't speak for Mercy but I can't this weekend because Piz gets Saturday night off and we were going to dinner and a movie." This is what happened on my Saturday nights now. There were no more stakeouts or breaking into filing cabinets, and I liked it this way. If I missed the adrenaline rush some nights there was always the option of going to my favorite thai place and ordering my Pad Thai extra hot.

It was when the waitress was bringing us our food that I had noticed the picture displayed on the television above the bar area. I was riveted by the images of Carrie flashing across the screen. I did not care about her picture in particular but there were some with Logan standing next to her.

Mercy noticed the direction of gaze."Bonnie Deville. Have you heard the news about that?" She paused for a second. "She was found dead in her bathroom and according to the police their main suspect is the boyfriend."

"Logan?" for once my ability to mask my emotions failed me.

"Yeah Logan Echolls. Well look at you. I did not think you followed celebrity gossip." Mercy's voice sounded amused as she found an apparent flaw. "But I guess I can't blame you that guy is seriously hot and a bad boy to boot."

"So he killed his girlfriend? That is not a big surprise, did his father not get accused of murdering some high school girl?" Marisa added her own gossip to the mix.

My arms felt like they were filled with lead but I still forced myself to use them to lift my fork towards my mouth. "What have you heard?" I was proud my voice sounded almost normal now.

"Veronica Mars? Are you feeling all right? I have never heard of you wanting to know the latest celebrity gossip. In fact you usually make a big deal about giving celebrities their privacy." Marisa was amused as well. "Is there something wrong with your food?"

"What?" I asked her still a little thrown by it all. _Logan what have you gotten yourself into?_ There had been a time in my life when I had no problem suspecting Logan of murder but I now knew better than that. He might have anger issues and he might try to solve most of his problems using his fists but he would never hurt a girl he was dating. He most certainly would never kill her.

"You going to eat that or look at if for a while?" Marisa gave me a playful push. "What is wrong with you today? You look like you have seen a ghost." Well at least my strange behavior had made her smile again.

"You have no clue about any of my ghosts," I mumbled under my breath before putting the food filled fork in my mouth. The cob salad around here was supposed to be excellent but at this point I could have been eating cardboard and I would not have noticed a difference.

"Are sure you are all right?" Marisa touched my elbow with concern.

"It is nothing, just some memories." I gave her a full wattage smile that only a handful of people recognized as my false smile. Marisa was not one of these people.

I watched as Marisa opened her mouth to continue her questions but fortunately the vibration of my phone gave me an excuse to interrupt her interrogation.

"Just one sec, let me see who this is." I told her as I fished my phone out of my purse. My relief at the interruption was short-lived as I noticed the picture of who was calling. _Logan._ I might have cut him completely out of my life but for some reason I could not make myself delete him from my phone. Every time I upgraded my phone his number and picture were diligently copied over to the next one.

I looked up at the two women sitting across the table for me and decided it was best if I went to seek out some privacy before answering the phone. "Excuse me I have to take this," I mumbled as I stood up an walked towards the bathrooms.

My hands shook as I moved my thumb over the green button indicating that I wanted to answer the phone. I leaned against a wall for support and took a deep breath before raising the phone to my ear.

"So what's new with you?" My voice shook but there was nothing I could do about it.

"I need you help Veronica." Outside of my dreams I had not heard his voice in over nine years. Suddenly it felt like no time had passed and all the confusion that I had felt during that last conversation nearly overwhelmed me. Had I not been leaning against the wall I would have probably collapsed into a giant heap.

"I don't really do that anymore," why did my voice sound so forlorn at leaving that life behind? _Remember Mars, no regrets about that_. Now I was even trying to lie to myself?

"Look can you just…" his words lacked the usual humor I was expecting from him. Where was the spunky reply? Where was his completely inappropriate dark joke? What had happened to him to make him sound so defeated?

Logan rarely asked for help and he most certainly never asked for help more than once. This vulnerable Logan was something that was intolerable. Of the two of us Logan was the strong one and he was the one who kept on fighting no matter what the odds. How many battles had he fought on my behalf even when I did not ask for or want his help? All those times he had been there for me no questions asked even after I had accused him of murder. Even then he still came back to me when I needed him. Who was I to deny this man my help? I owed him my life several times over so what would it hurt to hear him out? Had I not just been preaching to Marisa about giving Thomas five minutes of her time?

"What do you need me to do?" I pulled on all of my reserves for strength as I pushed back from the wall and stood up straight. Logan needed me so there was no time for me to act like a weakling.

"I have all these lawyers lined up wanting to represent me, can you just help me pick out the one that isn't trying to work on my behalf just for…"

"The fame," I finished his sentence easily knowing what he was trying to say. We had both learned at a fairly young age what it felt like having your photo and life story plastered all over the tabloids. The worst part of it is even when you told them the truth they still managed to distort it to suit their needs.

"Yeah," there was a weariness in his voice that I did not like. He sounded like he was ready to give up. Something tightened in my stomach as I begun to truly worry. How much was he hurting right now that I could hear it in his voice?_ It has been nine years and things changed, and it was not like you had been around him all that time._

Logan could not change, he was always the strong one and like me no matter what life threw at us we always bounced back. But here was Logan not even pretending to be doing all right. The thought of a defenseless Logan made me physically ache and I rubbed a little sore spot on my chest. "When do you need me to be there?"

"I have a few interviews lined up for tomorrow afternoon. If you could.."

"I have some stuff to finish up here this afternoon but l can take the late flight out of here tonight." My voice was firm with determination. He needed me so I would be there no matter what.

"Thanks…Veronica." I could hear the relief in his voice it nearly broke my heart - again. "I will buy you a ticket for tonight."

There was nothing in life I wanted more than to keep listening to the low rumble of his voice which is why I had to say the next words. "Great, send me a text with the information." I told him with far too much enthusiasm.

There was a pause on his side and for a moment I thought he was going to call me out on my bullshit fake happiness. He was one of the few people who could see through my facade but that was probably because he wore the same masks. "All right. I will see you tomorrow." He paused once more and I could hear him take a deep breath before I heard him add a few more words. "Thanks for being a ….friend."

"Always." I told him with too much emotion. "See you soon."

I hung up quickly before more foolish words came out of my mouth. I looked over to our table to encounter both Mercy and Marisa's curious gazes. Not ready to deal with them I headed to the bathroom to give myself some time to compose myself. I stood over the sink and tried to come up with the best way to fix this for Logan. Maybe I could call my father to see if he could check in on Logan. He should not left be alone when he was feeling this low. Someone needed to stick around to make sure Logan did not do something foolish.

I felt someone touch my elbow and looked up into the concerned face of an older woman. "Are you all right honey?"

"I am fine," I smiled at her to make my lie look more real. Seriously she must be from out of town because true New Yorkers know better than to speak to strangers.

"Fine? Then why do you have tears in your eyes?" She asked with a frown on her face.

I looked into the mirror in front of me and sure enough there were tear running down my face. "Just some bad news about an old friend," I told her with a shrug.

"Well I hope she will be all right."

"My friend is one of the strongest people I know. He has survived much worse then this. He will get through it." I told her trying to convince us both. I shook my head almost as if that would knock the dreary thoughts out of my mind.

Well it looked like I was headed back to Neptune. As I was fixing the damage done by my tears I started making a mental list of all that needed to be done before I got on that plane tonight.

"Who just called you?" Marisa asked even before I had properly settled back in my chair.

* * *

A/N: Thanks for everyone who favorited the story. Sorry I am a little late, this chapter was about three times longer than the previous ones so it took me longer to edit. :D

Thanks everyone who favorited the story. As usual I appreciate feedback. A quick request, I am trying to use songs with lyrics that would kind of match Veronica Mars and Logan's relationship because I like putting the lyrics at the beginning of the chapters, any suggestions are appreciated. Plus I like fun music :D

Thanks for reading,

LW


	5. It Doesn't Matter

5. It Doesn't Matter

It doesn't matter what I want

It doesn't matter what I need

It doesn't matter if I cry

Don't matter if I bleed.

Alison Krauss, "It Doesn't Matter".

* * *

"Who just called you?" Marisa had not given me any time to recover my composure. The problem was that I would probably need a couple of weeks to gain back my equilibrium and at this point I did not have that luxury.

"Well let the interrogation begin," I don't know how it had happened but I could feel the old Veronica stretching her mental muscles in the back of my mind. _I'm back and boy do you need help. _I had kept this part of my personally under a tight leash the past nine years but it appeared that the bonds holding her down had just been broken. I could feel the shifting of my muscles as I switched personas but it was necessary now. I needed sarcastic Veronica in oder to diffuse a potentially dangerous situation. Sweet and kind Marisa had already said that Logan did it without knowing anything about the facts of the case. Hearing them gossip about Logan made me realize that they could never know about our past relationship.

"So who was that?" Mercy had decided to join in on the questioning.

I rolled my eyes, "an acquaintance from my old high school." It was disconcerting how quickly I could slide back into the role of master liar.

"You looked pretty upset for a mere acquaintance." Mercy pointed out with a raised eyebrow.

"Yeah well the ten year reunion is coming up and and they are trying to bolster their attendance." My shoulders shook with an obviously fake shudder. "I knew I should have changed my cell phone number."

"Ouch. I take it you would rather not go?" Marisa was quickly sympathetic to my plight.

"Let me put it this way," I leaned closer to them as if I was about to share a great big secret. "Satan will be enjoying blue raspberry flavored shaved ice the day I set foot in that place again."

"Come on high school was not that bad." Mercy rolled her eyes at me.

So she needed convincing? The old Veronica inside of me gave a little smirk. Oh I always loved a challenge. "I had this awesome boyfriend in my sophomore year. He was smart, good looking, sweet, and kind. We had been dating almost for two years when suddenly he just stopped speaking to me. No I hate you, no let's break up, no I think we should see other people. He just started pretending like I did not exist. Since he was one of the most popular kids in school and his jerk of a friend overnight I went from being in the in-crowd to a social pariah."

"Why would he do that?" Mercy was still doubting me.

"Because he was a weak piece of shit that was a complete mama's boy." I growled out the mama's boy part. I needed to calm down, because I was getting too emotional about this. Duncan had been weak, and even in the end he had chosen to run away rather than to stay and fight for his daughter. Over the years I had come to accept the truth about my first love.

"And you were not good enough for her baby boy?" Now Mercy was laughing at me.

"Wrong side of the tracks." I shrugged my shoulder wearily in mock regret at the fact.

"Had he never read Romeo and Juliet?" Marisa joined in the conversation with a laugh. "I thought that was mandatory reading in all high schools."

"I guess he must have skipped that day." Or it could be that his mother was a jealous bitch who took out her frustration with a philandering husband on her own child.

"Ugh why are guys all such assholes." Marisa pushed her plate away as she signaled out waitress for the bill.

"Hey, not all men suck." I was quick to defend males. They were not all that bad, and honestly I should not blame Duncan since he was just a young boy that did not want to face the possibility that I was his sister. Logan might have acted like an asshole at times but he had a heart of gold.

"All right I will give you this. Piz is an awesome guy." Marisa told me with an indulgent smile. "He can be the exception to the rule."

Piz? _Yeah you remember Piz your current boyfriend. The man you claim to love._ I used the return of the waitress with our bill to distract me from the knowledge that when I mentioned a good guy I immediately thought of Logan. I was a seriously messed up girl but I had known that fact for years.

By the time I got to the apartment I had come to the conclusion that it was perfectly normal for me to think of Logan instead of Piz when I thought of a great guy. I had been on the phone with Logan not ten minutes before the conversation so it was easy to see how I would think of him.

I did not have too much time to dwell on my unfaithful thoughts as I looked at my side of the closet.

"Shit I have nothing to wear," I stood there staring at all of my power suits trying to decide what to take to Neptune. I would have to take at least one suit to meet with Logan's potential lawyers but it would not necessarily have to be conservative. California was not as uptight about the dress code as the east coast seemed to be. I will be able to leave the pantyhose at home which was totally the way I wanted things to go. The more casually cut suit along with the brighter colored shirt to meet with the lawyers was easy enough to find, but deciding what to pack beyond the suit was much more difficult. Jeans and a t-shirt for lounging around the house and hanging out with my dad? Something sexy if Wallace or Mac want to go out somewhere? Would I have time to hang out with my friends or would I spend all of my time with Logan trying to figure out a way out of this mess?

I know for a fact that he had not done it but the rest of the world seemed determined to just skip the pesky little trial thing and just lock him up for murder. Unfortunately in a case like this public opinion could make a difference especially if it went in front of a jury. That is how Aaron Echols managed to get away with Lilly's murder - he was really good actor in that regard. Logan on the other hand was a lot less smooth when it came to dealing with the spotlight. He tended to react first and have no regrets later when it came to dealing with the press.

I would worry about all that once I packed my bags. Regardless of how long I stayed it would still be California and that necessitated summer clothes. I pulled out a chair to stand on so I could see the labels on the boxes at the top of the closet. Sometimes I really hated being short. "Rats," all of the boxes were labeled with Piz's barely legible scrawl which meant my boxes were elsewhere.

I headed out of the bedroom into the living area. There was a giant coat closet/storage space where we had extra boxes stored. As I walked past the television I turned it on and switched to a news channel so that I could have some background noise to distract me from thoughts of what was to come. I was going to do this one step at a time. First I will pack, then I will go say goodbye to Piz, and finally I will go get on a plane in order to head to California. That was order of things and I was not going to stray. I was not going to worry about what was to come until after I landed in California and I was able to assess the situation. I was not asking for trouble so I made sure it was a serious news channel that would not report hollywood gossip.

I finally found the box in the storage closet and of course with the way my luck was going today it was at the top of three other boxes. I was on my tip toes on a chair trying to wedge a broom handle between the boxes so I could pull it a little closer to me when I heard the name Logan Echolls on the television. I jerked at the sound of his name and managed to tilt the box too far. It came crashing down only to explode at the bottom of the closet. A carnage of colorful shirts and shorts filled the bottom of the closet but I was not paying much attention because I was too busy trying to get to the television.

Jumping over the clothes I moved in front of the television where I saw them flash Logan's picture on the screen next to a petulant looking Carrie.

"The boyfriend of Bonnie DeVille, whose death has been ruled a homicide, is the number one suspect. There are rumors from reliable sources that are suggesting that the death penalty is an option in this case. Well if anyone asks my opinion he.." I could not find the button to turn the thing off fast enough so I reached behind the television and pulled the power plug.

_Death penalty? They wanted to kill him?_ I took deep breath after deep breath trying to fight the sudden nausea at the thought of Logan being dead. Suddenly I could not handle it anymore and I rushed to the toilet and managed to lose all of the cob salad I had eaten for lunch.

"Oh God Logan what is going on?" I whispered at the toilet bowl. How could things have gone so wrong? My fear quickly changed into fury. What the hell had he been doing dating a girl like Carrie? I knew she was bad news back in high school. Yes there was that little incident when she pretended to be having an affair with a teacher in order to protect a friend but the last few years have proven that incident to be a fluke. I would have taken far better care of him and I sure as hell would not have gotten myself killed and allowed Logan to be blamed for it.

I stood up on shaky legs and rinsed my mouth out with water from the sink. There was no use in thinking about the what could have been since that line of thought would only drive me insane. I needed to stay on schedule so first things first there was packing the necessities and maybe a few more things because if this really was a death penalty case I would require more than just two days worth of clothes.

After packing and picking up the mess of clothes from the closet it was already getting close to four in the afternoon. I needed to call Piz and tell him about the change in my plans. I got so far as dialing his number and the first ring before I realized that he probably deserved an explanation in person. He would not be home before I needed to head off to the airport so instead I did something I had never done before - I went to visit him at work.

Normally I stayed away from the place because honestly I hated news people in any shape of form - something about being torn apart by the news the few months after Lilly's murder made me instantly leery of journalists of any kind. I knew that Piz was a great guy and not one of those vultures but it was better if I did not think about what he did for a living too hard.

"May I help you miss?" The security guard behind the desk asked as I rolled my suitcase into the building where Piz worked.

"Yes, I am here to see someone." I told him with a smile.

"Sorry miss but you cannot go up without an ID. New security measures." He did not return the smile. Clearly he took his job very seriously.

Patience with people like this is something that I had learned to deal with a few years back. "All right I will take care of it." I told him as I reached for my phone in order to call Piz to let me in.

"Hi there beautiful." He sounded especially happy.

"Wow you are in a good mood." He had not sounded this excited when I spoke with him earlier.

"Yeah well you are speaking to the newly promoted junior assistant producer." He practically giggled.

"Piz that is great," I was happy for him. He had worked really hard at this job and because of that was advancing quickly up the ranks.

"Isn't it? This means we are going to be double celebrating tonight at dinner. We will most certainly be popping open the champaign."

His mentioning of our dinner plans was like a bucket of cold water. I needed to tell him where I was going. "Oh about those plans. Well surprise, I am downstairs in your building."

"What? You are here?" He said after a few moments.

"Yeah and you need to come down and get me because Oddjob over here is not letting me go through without an ID." I told him while looking over my shoulder at the guard that was still staring at me suspiciously.

"This is great, I will be right down." Piz told me before disconnecting.

I grabbed my suitcase and moved it next to a chair before sitting down. "Don't worry someone with a proper ID is coming to vouch for me." I told him with a fake smile. Geez this guard had serious issues. On the other hand I could not blame him since I had issues as well, the primary one at the moment was how to tell my current boyfriend that I was skipping out our celebratory dinner in order to fly across the continent to go be with my old flame.

I had still not decided on a good way to bring up the subject when the elevator doors opened revealing a smiling Piz. I could tell the exact moment when he noticed the suitcase next to me. His smile dropped from his face and his steps faltered.

"Veronica?" he sounded hurt and confused.

Well I guess there was no way to bring this up gently. Anyway it was always better to remove the bandage quickly. "Look I need to go for a few days."

"Where are you going?" He asked quietly trying especially hard to not reveal his hurt. Seriously thought Piz was an open book so I could see that he knew exactly where I was going.

"Back home." I replied in an equally quiet voice. "Look let's go up to your office and we can talk about it there." I did not want to discuss this with the security guard watching me like a hawk.

"Okay," he walked back towards the elevator after flashing his ID at the guard.

I knew he was very upset at me because he did not even offer to help me with my suitcase. The elevator ride was painfully silent on the way up but it made me ever more determined to make him understand what I was doing.

This American Life, Piz's company, took up the entire sixteenth floor of the building. We stepped off the elevator to face a pair of frosted glass doors with the company's name and logo across them in rainbow colors.

The false sense of serenity faded as soon as Piz pushed open the door and I was hit with a cacophony. Obviously a great deal of money had been spent decorating the place but the antique radios and other such knick-knacks were lost in the hustle and bustle of bodies. Outside of the subway I had never seen this many people moving in every possible direction at full speed. I had to somewhat fight my way through the deluge of people as I attempted to follow Piz. Hopefully he knew which way we were going because three steps in I was surrounded by flow bodies with no idea which way I had come from. The suitcase I was pulling made me a lot more clumsy as I followed Piz.

Luckily we came to a hallway where the people and noise seemed to die down a notch. Piz led me to a small office that was just a glorified cubicle with walls. There were papers strewn all over the desk along with a milky cup of coffee and a half eaten sandwich. The monitors on his desk had some sort of google search up but it was the television screen above the monitors that caught my attention. There flashing across the monitor were various news blurbs including the one about Bonnie DeVille's death.

All of my arguments as to why I was headed home were forgotten and I turned on Piz. "You knew? For how long?" I pushed the words out through gritted teeth.

At least he had the decency to look ashamed about it. "It was a big deal this morning but I did not want to tell you about it so you would not mess up your interview."

"And when I called you after my interview? You could not have told me then?" _Yeah keep on coming up with excuses_.

"I did not want to ruin your mood then." He gave me his half smile like that would make it all right.

"Well imagine how happy I felt when I heard about it on the news with some asshole reporter already saying that Logan was the one who killed his girlfriend." Clearly I was not happy about his keeping things from me.

"Look you know now. So why the suitcase?" He gave the innocent piece of luggage an ugly look.

"You know why." Oh now he wanted to exchange information. "I am going back to Neptune."

"Why?" He asked still determined to pretend that he did not know my reasons for going back.

"Logan called me. He needs my help." I looked Piz straight in the eye and waited for the protest. Logan needed my help and he was going to get it, so the sooner Piz understood that the better it would be for everyone involved.

"No he doesn't, he is a millionaire or whatever he is. He can afford a team of lawyers ten times over. He does not need you." Was it just me or was he starting to sound like a petulant child?

"I am not going to go be his lawyer. For one thing I have only taken the Bar in New York so I can't practice law in California." I could not represent him but that did not mean I could not give help. "I am going as an old friend to help him vet his lawyers." In other words I am going to go find the lawyer that is least likely to ruffle Logan's feathers and make him turn into a jackass.

"What he can't write a check without you?" Came Piz's snarky remark.

"That was uncalled for and completely unexpected coming from you. Since when are you this ugly?" I was somewhat shocked by his words. Piz was never this mean about anything.

"You don't speak to the guy for years and suddenly you are willing to run across the country to help him pick out lawyers? I don't get it." He ran a hand through his hair. "What about your life here? What if the law firm calls you back for another interview? What about my parents that are coming into town just to meet you?"

"I have no choice. He asked for my help," I was getting frustrated that he could not understand but how did I expect him to? Piz was a nice guy so he did not need to know about all the bad things that happened in my life those last two and a half years of high school. I never spoke to him about those dark days and while several people suspected what had happened only Logan knew what I had lived through. I don't think even Wallace who I considered to be my best friend knew all that had gone wrong in my life. That time was a mixture of some of the worst and best times of my life. I had cried profusely, I had grieved deeply, I had loved passionately, and I had made monumental mistakes in those years. Logan was probably the only person who knew about all of the scars on my heart just like I knew the locations of all of his scars. Or it used to be that way, now I knew nothing about him or his scars. I only knew about the boy I had trusted with my life but not with my heart. Piz did not know about those dark times and he never would - it was something that would remain between Logan and I. Some days I felt like I was being unfaithful to Piz by not revealing things about myself that Logan knew, but it was impossible because Piz could never understand._ Since when did you develop the habit of lying to yourself? _ If I was going to be completely honest I would have to acknowledge the fact that I did not tell Piz everything because I was holding back a piece of myself. Maybe I was afraid of how he would feel is Piz saw the scarred girl underneath all of the bluster, or maybe I did not want to see the pity on his face when he realized how badly the Fates had screwed me over in the past. If I was going to be truly honest with myself I would have to admit that the reason I did not tell Piz everything was because those memories, the good and the bad, that I had lived through belonged to Logan and me. There had been those precious moments, few and far between, when we had been in perfect accord. Despite the fact that chaos reigned around us when our eyes met I would know that everything would be all right because he understood and he would be by my side no matter what. Those flashes of perfect harmony had been buried far within me, and I tried my best not to let those memories surface. It would be unbelievably painful to tell Piz about what it felt like standing on that roof while Beaver explained what he had done to me and my father, but if I tried really hard I might have been able to speak of that time. I might be able to explain to him what it felt like when Logan came rushing up to rescue me, but then I might risk acknowledging the truth - that Logan Echolls held a piece of my heart and no matter how much time or distance existed between the two of us he would always own that piece of me. I might understood that Piz was more stable and far less likely to lead me to trouble but a small part of me would always miss the passion of Logan.

Pushing those thoughts down I looked at the man in front of me as I tried to explain without telling him anything. "It will only be a few days and I will be back before your parents come into town."

"Why do you have to drop everything and rush back there? Because he asked you?" I could see the doubt in his eyes.

Finally understanding his worry I tried to alleviate it somewhat. "Look Logan was there for me during some of the hardest days of my life." I took a deep breath as those forbidden memories of Logan holding me while I cried myself to sleep came rushing back up. "I am just returning the favor." I could never repay him for keeping me sane.

"So you will be back?" He sounded uncertain.

"Of course I will be back." I leaned in and hugged him for a second. "This is where I live now and this is where my life is." Anyway I could not stay in Neptune since I had burned all of my bridges there.

He pulled back a little to look at my face. "Just a few days?"

"If all goes well I will be back on a plane the day after tomorrow with plenty of time to clean the apartment before your parents come to visit." I told him with more conviction than I felt.

"When are you leaving?" He kissed me softly on the lips.

I looked at the clock on the wall and cringed a little. "Actually I have to leave for the airport now if I am going to make it through traffic."

"I take it we will be skipping the celebratory dinner." He asked with a forced grin.

"I promise to make it up to you when I get back." The words sounded false even to my ears.

The cab ride to the airport was uneventful except for the text I received from Logan. _Continental Flight 3425. 7:35pm. I will pick you up._

I wanted to call him to tell him not to bother but I knew he could be just as stubborn as I was. The long drive to Neptune from the airport might be a good time to question him about what had actually happened the night of Carrie's murder. It was not like we could reminisce about the good old days - there had been too many harsh words spoken. I owed him an apology for my behavior several times over but it was far too late for that. Nine years too late.

I was already on the airplane before I remembered I should probably send a text to Logan to acknowledge his text and to assure him I was coming.

Once in the air with nothing to do but sit there and worry I finally broke down and asked for an alcoholic drink. After the long emotional day it did not take me long to doze off.

* * *

A/N:

So sorry for the long delay. With the school year starting I thought I would have more time now that the kids were gone but I had not counted on the fact that it was also the start of Fall soccer. Enough with the excuses, here is the next installment and the last one of Veronica in the future. Next up is the past. :D

Thank you so so much Dani for your encouragement, I love opening my email and finding reviews. Why is it that fanfic writers are addicted to reviews? or is it just me?

1. Oddjob was the bodyguard and chauffeur of Goldfinger in the James bond movie.. He had a bowler had that was used to decapitate his victims.

2. The song at the beginning is "It Doesn't Matter" Alison Krauss. Because it doesn't matter what she wants or need, Logan needs her help and she has to go.


	6. Dream On

6. Dream On

Every time that I look in the mirror

All these lines on my face getting clearer

The past is gone

It went by like dusk to dawn

Isn't that the way

Everybody's got their dues in life to pay

Aerosmith. "Dream On."

* * *

_Warm water surrounded me as I floated on my back looking up at the sky tinged with lilac and deeper shades of purple. The only sound was the water slapping gently against my body. I let the water softly cocoon my body as I drifted with no purpose and no thoughts. I knew peace._

_ The sound of a small splash should have been a clue that my tranquil existence was about to be disturbed but I was too relaxed to pay attention. The sounds of water being disturbed were followed by waves that started pushing and pulling me in different directions. I tried to hold on to the feeling of peace but it quickly slipped from my mental grip as questions began to crowd into my mind. Where was I? What was I doing here? And most importantly what was in the water next to me?_

_ With that final question I dropped my feet so I was now floating vertically and looked around._

_ "__Hello V," Lilly spoke as she circled around me in the water._

_ "__Lilly," I smiled at my best friend. "It has been a while."_

_ "__Hey," she splashed some water at me causing me to splutter and choke. "You were the one who pushed me away."_

_ When I finally got the water out of my eyes I was relieved to see the big smile on your face. __"Sorry? I had to let you go and move on."_

_ "__I was dead I understand why you dumped me but who else did you let go of huh?" She continued to circle me like a shark going in for the kill._

_ I looked at her perplexed not really understanding where this dream was going. I had dreamed about Lilly a great many times that first year after her death but the dreams had stopped after I discovered who had killed her. Now she was back and I could not fantom why._

_ "__What is this? The great Veronica Mars does not have a clue?" Lilly stopped circling and looked at me with disappointment. The look did not last more than a moment before she burst out with laughter. "If you could only see your face."_

_ I waited patiently for her to finish laughing because no power on Earth could force Lilly to tell you what she wanted to say before she was ready._

_ "__All right here is a clue. You shoved someone else out of your life. Someone sarcastic. Someone who could never be comfortable in conforming to the dictates of polite society. Someone who loves deeply and passionately."_

_ "__Look, Logan and I are over." Anger rushed through my body. Anger at myself at my younger self for begin so stupid and foolish. My paranoid and suspicious nature made me doubt his character every step of the way and so I constantly worked to push him away when I should have been trying to keep him close to me._

_ The emotions became too much and I ducked my head under water hoping to wash away the memories of the accusations I had thrown at his head. How could I have possibly thought him capable of those heinous crimes? I knew who he was deep inside and I should have known better than to let my momentary fears grab a hold of me._

_ As I came back to the surface Lilly rolled her eyes at me. __"Geez Veronica even with all the clues you get it wrong." She floated closer to me and poked me in the chest. "It is interesting that you thought of Logan but in reality I was talking about you. You gave up on Veronica Mars and became this…. shell of what you used to be."_

_ "__Hey I like who I am right now." I swam away from her and her accusations. We all had to grow up sometime._

_ "__Right, this is what you always wanted to be. The rich lawyer who works for the poor unrepresented corporation. You always wanted to be the one who hunts down the family whose kid got sick from eating tainted yogurt and makes sure they never go to the press with their story. Is this the same girl who fought tooth and nail to bring my killer to justice?"_

_ "__It is a safe job. No one will threaten my life."_

_ "__Perfectly safe and boring and if you work hard enough your kids will be able to sit at the 09er table in twenty years or so." Her voice was dripping with sarcasm._

_ "__It is not like that," I try to explain it to her. I tried to explain it to myself as well. How was it not like that?_

_ "__You are trying to go back to a time before you were touched by the darkness. Did you not learn anything from when you took Duncan back? You can never go back to that innocent little girl and trying to force it only ends up hurting everyone around you in the end. How long will this facade last?" She gave me a disgusted look. "How often do you have to lie to Piz in order to hide who you truly are from him?"_

_ "__Investigating was dangerous and half the time I ended up dragging my friends into it. I did not make good choices and instead rushed headlong into the investigation without a thought for potential consequences." How often did my friends have to risk themselves to get me out of trouble. How many times did I ask Wallace to break the rules and get me the private file of some other student. How often did Mac have to hack into a website or account? How many times did my father have to cover for me and at what personal cost? Lastly how many fights did Logan have to get into in order to save me from bodily harm?_

_ "__So think about the consequences before rushing into the investigation. You messed up but you learned from your mistakes. Learn to temper you natural curiosity but don't just sit there and deny that part of you no longer exists." Lilly made it sound so simple, but it was not that way in the real world. My curiosity was both my strength and weakness, and while it had allowed me to finally solve Lilly's murder it had also been the reason my father suffered serious burns._

_ "__A lawyer is who I am. I worked hard to get here." All those sleepless nights trying to work and keep up with the reading at the same time had not been easy. "Things change Lilly."_

_ "__Not for me and not for you. I always knew you had it in you to be a badass, why else would I have been your best friend? You had an inner core of steel that was not changed even when you were pulled into the upper echelons of 09er society. Unlike my brother Duncan, who folded at even the hint of adversity, you fought so I do not understand why you suddenly gave up."_

_ "__That inner core of steel might be called stubbornness and this tenacity ended up costing me a great deal. I might have been willing paying the price for my mistakes but having my father pay for them was something I could not stomach."_

_ "__Look let us not argue about what has been. Logan in in trouble and needs you more than you can possibly imagine." She looked serious suddenly and I could barely handle it. Lilly was supposed to be smiling and laughing. _

_ "__I am going back." I would limit my involvement but there was no way I could just ignore his need._

_ "__You have to save him." She reached out and grabbed be by the shoulders. Her fingers dug into my shoulders as if she could physically push her will into me. _

_ "__I will try but I don't know if I can this time." No, failure was not acceptable because the alternative was Logan being sentenced to death._

_ "__Promise me no matter what happens you will fight to save him. Never give up on him." Lilly's usual grin appeared once again but something was different it this time. I felt like she was asking more of me than just helping him pick out a team of lawyers. "This is very important, you have to promise me."_

_ "__All right I promise no matter how big of a jackass he is I will keep him safe." It was an easy promise to make - almost too easy._

_ "__Even from himself?"_

_ "__Especially from himself." I agreed with a small laugh._

_ "__He needs you to fight for him when everyone else has given up on him." She turned serious again. "I need you to love him."_

_ "__In a way I will always love him no matter what." I could admit this to myself in a dream, here it was safe. "The problem is I pushed him away until I ran out of chances for us." It had taken me years to realize that I had been the one to tear us apart. He might have given away his body to random girls but I had been the one who tried to wedge a distance between us. The ironic part of the story was that while I was busy trying to make sure that he could not hurt me I had ended up hurting both of us._

_ "__He would have given you another chance but you ran away. You ran away from him and you ran away from yourself. Well luckily you have a friend like me and I got you another change to do it right. This time around don't blow it."_

The clamor of my alarm made me instinctively reach for the bedside table to turn hit snooze but for some reason my hand only seemed to find air. Where was that alarm clock? Rubbing a hand on my face I tried to open my eyes so I could look for the damn thing but . Victory! I finally was able to see enough to slam my hand down on the annoying thing. With relief I dove head first into the cluster of pillows but the alarm clock had served its purpose and now it became impossible for me to go back to sleep.

I gave up after a minute or so and flopped onto my back in order to stare at the ceiling. The sight of my bedroom confused me for a few moments since there was something that felt off about the entire room. _Of course it is right Veronica what the hell is wrong with you?_

What was I dreaming about again? Water? A feeling began in the middle of my chest, a whisper of unease that did not seem to dissipate no matter how much I rubbed my chest or tried to console myself that it was just a dream. This was simply a reaction to whatever I dreamt about, nothing to worry about, all I had to do was get on with my day and everything would be all right again. Images kept flashing on my closed eyelids. Was Lilly in my dreams again? Were we floating in a pool? The was a wisp of a memory that kept eluding me. I could not remember much about the dream except for the fact that we were floating in water and she wanted a promise from me. There was no reason to be afraid since everything was fine yet the feeling seemed to be getting worse.

A knock was followed by my father's voice through the door.

"What?" I really needed to get more sleep.

"Veronica, you have to get moving or you will be late for school." He spoke again.

"Don't worry I am moving." Sort of.

Half falling out of my bed after my legs get caught in my sheets I stumble towards the bathroom. What I see makes me scream but the worst part about it is I don't know why I am shocked to see my own face.

My dad almost instantly is knocking on the door. "What is wrong Veronica?"

"Everything is okay? Just thought I saw something moving." I lie to him easily before going back to staring at myself.

"What is this? Have you finally decided that you wanted to be girly?" Dad always thought he was a funny guy.

I leaned over the sink and splashed cool water on my face before looking at it again. My heart rate increased, my palms became sweaty, and I almost went into full panic mode. Had I been drugged again?_ No you are at home, nothing is wrong, so stop panicking._

I had to get over this but I could not let go of the feeling that there was something off. A difference in my appearance that was there but it was a discrepancy I could not identify. At least the feeling matched my peculiar reaction to seeing my room this morning. I touched my face with shaking hands. It looked pale and angular but this was its normal look these days. If I had to say something about it I would have to say my face looked far too young, but that is a ridiculous thought since this was the exact face I had looked at before I went to sleep last night - really, really late last night. Heaving a sigh I pushed myself away from the sink.

I needed to get some more sleep and while I was asking for the impossible I needed to stop dreaming about Lilly. The dreams featuring my former best friend had been coming with less and less frequency of late and had given me some hope that I was starting to deal with her death.

"Veronica? You need to get going or you are going to be late for school." I heard my father speaking again. Good thing the two bedroom apartment we now lived in was small enough he did not need to strain himself too much to be heard.

"Thanks for the reminder Dad." School had started again - that fact alone should be able to explain the twisting of my stomach and the feelings of dread.

I was going to gain nothing from standing around staring at my face in the mirror so I used the bathroom before heading back to my bedroom to get dressed. The closet was of course filled with my new angry at the world fashion. Lilly would have been proud of me for getting rid of all of the pastel crap that used to dominate my closet. It had been a very foolish move on my part to put such a huge dent in my wardrobe but I could not go back to being that sweet Veronica again. Too much had happened for me to be happy wearing baby blue and pale pink. That happy and optimistic Veronica had died and it was really for the best - that Veronica would not have been able to survive the world I lived in now.

In less than six months my boyfriend just one day decided we were over and stopped talking to me, my best friend was brutally murdered, my father was disgraced and lost his job, I was drugged and raped, and finally as the final nail in the old Veronica Mars' coffin my mother left without even a word of goodbye. It is surprising that I have not borrowed one of my father's weapons and gone on a small shooting spree preferably through the 09er section of the courtyard at school.

I guess it was just a testament to how strong I was? or it could have just proven how stubborn I was. Those first few months as things started to pile up the majority of my evening ended in sobs muffled by my pillow but after a while I ran out of tears. They were a rare occurrence these days, but then it had helped that I had been out of school and did not have to deal with those people I used to consider my friends on a daily basis. The speed with which my ex-friends turned on me was a life lesson that I had to learn to deal with quickly. Trust no one has become my new motto.

I pulled out a pair of jeans and a t-shirt before loading up my backpack with all the essentials. It was the first week of school so I did not have too much homework as of yet. I grabbed a granola bar from the small shelf next to the sink and gulped down some orange juice before heading to the bathroom to brush my teeth and apply makeup.

Dad was already gathering his stuff up when I came back from the bathroom so we left the house together. Both of us making sure that we had keys before heading to our respective cars.

"Have fun at school, Veronica." He told me as we walked down the stairs.

"Fun. Is that what you call it?" It had been somewhat fun when Lilly was around but when I lost both her and Duncan I came to realize school was the worst kind of hell and the worst part about it was that I would have to endure it for two more years.

"How would you describe it then?"

"An endurance of torture." It was even worse after Logan Echolls put a target on my back making me a social pariah. His betrayal was the one that hurt the most. Next to Lilly I had considered him one of my most trusted friends, but these days I was more tempted to punch him than talk to him.

"Well you had better hurry or you will miss it." He waved at me before getting in his car.

"That would be such a shame." I told myself as I threw my backpack in the passenger seat before starting the car.

* * *

A/N: I like the song Dream on by Aerosmith because I think she is looking back at her life and it is filled with regrets. The past is gone and there is no way to return to it no matter how much you dream of it.

Thank you so much for the reviews and everyone who put this story on follow. Many kisses. I truly appreciate you taking the time to do so. It is nice to know that occasionally I write the words and they convey the emotions the way I want them. The next chapter is really huge right now, so I might have to spend a bit of time cutting it into pieces so it might take me a little while longer to get out.

I hope everyone is having a happy second day of Fall (unless you are in southern hemisphere then I guess this is Spring for you :D). Finally the days of 90F are over let me tell you makes Saturday soccer games so much more fun (far less whining from my daughter). Instead we have rain and my chrysanthemums are about to pop. I got a few new ones this year that are supposed to put out multicolor blooms and I want to see if the flowers will be as pretty as the picture on the label. I love flowers and use any excuse to buy more plants. Right now I have to clean out my beds so I can switch out my half dead summer plants to the more hardy fall/winter ones.


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